Dear Concerned Mom,
I understand your ongoing frustration with the declining values and increasingly creative dress code at your dance studios. Have you spoken to other parents? Just because they’re not saying anything doesn’t mean they don’t have the same concerns. You don’t need to apologize for what you refer to as your “old school values” and you certainly should not be arguing with a nine year old about anything.

I’ve done hundreds of in studio workshops over the years. I can usually anticipate what my experience is going to be like based on the way students are dressed. Here are the extremes:

Studio A dancers are all about their looks. They have professionally manicured nails, waxed eyebrows, trendy haircuts and highlights; full-on makeup and their abs are constantly on display. These are the 10 to 12 year olds.

Studio B dancers do their own thing. Their hair is all over the place, they wear street clothes: baggy pants, oversized sweats, hats, tee shirts and whatever jewelry expresses their mood for the day.

Studio C dancers keep it simple. They all wear pink tights, black leotards, and their hair is worn neatly in ballet buns, absolutely no jewelry – end of story.

Kids and teens have one less thing to worry about when studio mirrors are used for correcting technique and not for comparing one pair of booty shorts to another. I’ve experienced more relaxed and joyful dancers when distractions regarding clothing are minimized. Dancers who look and act like dancers focus on dancing and not on maintaining standards set by other students. Uniformity helps to establish expectations, adherence to standards and the sublimation of wealth.

If you’re unhappy with the dress code consider having a chat with either the studio owner or teacher. If you want to switch studios then simply explain to your daughter your reasons and please…don’t apologize for your point of view. Also, don’t argue with a nine year old. You’re the parent and you have final say. Some things are non-negotiable.

Select a studio that has a culture consistent with your morals and values. It takes more than high kicks, flawless technique and lots of trophies on display to make a good dance studio. Every studio has its own culture and they all have merit. Choose wisely!

I’m a junior in high school and I really like my friends. I know that some of the stuff they’re doing is wrong but I still hang out with them. They gossip, drink and do a lot of other stuff but I don’t want to lose them as friends because then I’ll be alone. Am I wrong for just wanting to get through high school without being miserable? I know if I tell or show them who I really am I wouldn’t be invited to hang out with them anymore. I’ve known these kids since I was in grade school and to speak up now I would lose so much. ~  Confused Teen

Dear Confused,

When you compromise your values to appease others you lose a part of yourself. Being true to ourselves is important for each of us – regardless of our age. Meaningful relationships are based on trust, acceptance and respect for each other’s values. Stop wasting your time with individuals whose values you do not respect. You’re kidding yourself if you believe these kids don’t know who you really are. They see the real you and are enjoying pulling you down to their level. You’ve given them control and permission.

Owning my own dance studio has been my life long goal and a couple of years ago I finally opened for business. I’m started to feel resentful because I just wanted to dance and teach and now I have to manage people, do bookkeeping, order costumes, and a lot of other stuff I didn’t really don’t enjoy. I’m starting to feel like I’ve made a mistake because I work really long hours and I’m not having the fun I thought I would. How can I make this better? ~ Going Crazy in Kansas

Dear Kansas,

There’s a Buddhist saying “If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking.” It’s so much easier to achieve our goals when we’re pursuing our passions and living our life’s purpose. Sounds like you love dancing more than managing a business. Smart business people surround themselves with individuals who complement their strengths and bring other skills to the team.

Determine what aspects of studio ownership you really enjoy and commit to doing those. Focus on your strengths and the strengths of your employees. Delegate the tasks you don’t do well or don’t enjoy doing. Of course, the general well-being and financial stability of the business is your responsibility. Reevaluate your initial reasons for wanting to own a studio and determine if you’re heading in the right direction. Remember: You would not have the desire if you didn’t have the ability to make it a reality.

I understand your ongoing frustration with the declining values and the ever changing, increasingly creative dress code at your daughter’s dance studio. During our phone call you spent a lot of time complaining about the way in which students are dressing and the negative impact it’s having on your 11 year old daughter. You referred to your value system as “old school” and continually apologized for it.  If you don’t like what’s happening at your studio relative to the way students are dressed, then it may be time to move on.

I’ve done hundreds of in studio workshops over the years. I can sometimes anticipate what my experience is going to be based on the way students are dressed. Here are the extremes:

• Studio A dancers are all about their looks. They have professionally manicured nails, waxed eyebrows, trendy haircuts and highlights; full-on makeup and their abs are constantly on display. I’m talking about the 12 year olds and even I feel inferior.
• Studio B dancers do their own thing. Their hair is all over the place, they wear street clothes: baggy pants, shorts, tee shirts and whatever jewelry expresses their mood for the day. I recall a lot of Hot Topic gear.
• Studio C dancers keep it simple. They all wear pink tights, black leotards, and their hair is worn neatly in ballet buns, absolutely no jewelry – end of story.

Kids and teens have one less thing to worry about when studio mirrors are used for correcting technique and not for comparing one pair of booty shorts to another. I’ve experienced more relaxed and joyful dancers when distractions regarding clothing are minimized. Dancers who look and act like dancers focus on dancing and not on maintaining standards set by other students. Uniformity helps to establish expectations, adherence to standards and the sublimation of wealth and self-expression.

If you’re unhappy with the dress, behavior and attitude of students at your studio consider having a chat with either the studio owner teacher. If you want to move your daughter simply explain to her your reasons and please…don’t apologize for your point of view.

Parents, especially those with very young dancers, peer through the looking glass at your studio. Whatever the behavior, culture, norms, values and opinion expressed by the senior dancers, that’s what you’re headed towards with your child. Are the older students happy, free-spirited, joyful and helpful around the studio? Sounds good to me. Studies show people in a good mood are more likely to: thrive, engage in group activities, resolve conflicts faster, collaborate rather than compete and be helpful to others.

Select a studio that has a culture consistent with your morals and values. It takes more than high kicks, flawless technique and shelves of competition trophies to make a good dance studio. Every studio has its own culture and they all have merit. Choose wisely!

I’m horrified at your insensitivity towards your ex-husband. Your 33-year-old daughter is not a “kid” as you continually referred to her during our phone conversation. Your daughter continues to struggle because you don’t allow her to do anything on her own. You bail her out, pay her debts, stand up for her regardless of the facts and are always there to clean up her mess (which is often). She doesn’t have to take responsibility for anything in her life because she can simply defer to you and you always come through. You have robbed her of the beauty, pleasure and the sense of accomplishment that comes with earning something on her own.

Trust your daughter to fly under the strength of her own wings. Believe you have adequately equipped her with the necessary tools and wisdom to create her own life and her own success. Remember: the success is in the journey; it’s how we deal with the day-to-day ups and downs that produce our character and enable us to creatively thrive.

You called your husband “selfish” for not giving you the money you requested. You were angry because he told you that his daughter needed to learn to budget, bootstrap and work to get what she wants in life. Trust him too.

The following is from The Prophet, Kahlil Gibran:

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

and though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,

for they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit,

not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.